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specific thoughts and the way they affect me
Dec. 31st, 2007
01:14 pm
okay. wow. now then. it is the end, my friends. i am at no more. again and again.
begun with the best intentions; circumstances change. especially now more than ever. honest now: my mind has evolved, this is hard to write. hard to conceptualize. hard to realize.
i am so sorry. sorry. i wronged. and I only have myself to blame, or else persecute.
your input was always, always welcomed. thank-you. over and over. keep your own.
i'm sorry you were subjected to some crazy days and months.
this journal will notbe updated anymore.
Nov. 1st, 2007
02:19 am
all the criticism. take it away. no more.
another scheduled break.
actually. this is the last one.
Oct. 28th, 2007
03:07 am
well screw you and your inclination. perhaps, perhaps i can be one with my feelings. try and take that one you asshole.
never underestimate someone who is drunk out of their heads. and being careful of what they type. this is the new government, please understand it.
Oct. 26th, 2007
Oct. 17th, 2007
12:37 am - ode to a friend...
recalling a moment of game-itude. reliving laughter and perhaps joy, all the more bookended with times of sorrow. do not go there.
fallen into the hypocrisy as you weren't there to seek the truth. only to seek my ideas; and then take them for your own.
school yard banter: follow me now. but approach if you could with care. stay with the daylight and forthright continue on. caption the woods. stand next to yellow. stay on the lines. hold out your arms and use a handkerchief. you were never on my side and it remains to be seen if you'll ever show up again. severance of the most serene kind; you were always a bastard.
and what of, perhaps, a moment in our lives that was the most perfect? you forced upon me new flavours of kindness, and different explorations of malevolence. never again do i have to fall into your trap; if it is a trap. it is a trap. and your livelihood can be considered a casm of the worst sort: the sort that one doesn't escape from with ease. and escape very seldom comes. one is forced to stay forever, forgoing and chance of survival, and living a persecuted life of indifference and worry. sucking life from the best places, our places.
but i missed you and cried for days long gone. and without a doubt, even in those fleeting moments i could feel myself tripping with excitement.
it's not a shame. it's a different sense of realization. perhaps we'll meet again and frolick over times lost. bask in the glory of our separate accomplishments, touch hands so slightly. recollect the moments that we had. get lost in the differences in our gazes. and then disappear to one another and finish whatever it is we have to do.
do not follow me into another consciousness. cool yourself off. use your own sense of direction; and forget the things that i have to do.
and without a doubt, you were up there for a long time.
come down now; it's time you got some rest.
Oct. 10th, 2007
12:48 am
ah! it's here again. you wondered and waited; keep on going.
i'm afraid that sooner or later i'll end up like you. drinking alone, head in my arms all the time and crying for someone oh so much. if, though, there is no one to cry about; i'll stick to drinking and seemingly kill my own selfitude while you write your love story in chalk on the sidewalk. watch out! it might rain soon.
and you, deprivation of the soul; showering subjects with your excuses of pity. one for every occasion and seemingly never without one. forget me not, but you already did. i'll dial a number once a week and talk myself out of it; everlasting charm it was not to be trusted.
now you are asking me questions. perchance you could greet. forchance i would greet back. hoarding and boarding; you'll never give anything in return. stealing my future. earning a piece while i'm forced to stand still. shoot my leg, and cut it off while you're at it.
so garrulous.
Oct. 5th, 2007
08:39 pm
in the beginnings of conscientious thought. ere you know; see what i say. linger in your heart an foretelling of the truth. but be brittle in your whereabouts. do not sway the ranger's truth. kiss him. love him. make love to him. you are bound now.
Sep. 29th, 2007
09:42 pm
good-byes. i'll see you later. change not. but keep carrying on. blah blah blah. it was for the better. unbridled feelings of hatred; go on and on. forgotten language. dead language. words i'll never use again. so foreign. too foreign. two foreign places.
Sep. 25th, 2007
11:13 pm - the night i lost my mind
and my troubles have been just that; my own.
swallowing so much selfitude.
i'm burdoned to think, and have been left alone to do it so many times.
naked in the dark and trying to make sense of it all. cursing their names over and over; knife in my hands and over and over again.
make sense of it all? that wasn't in the cards. mind turned to mush, and i was left to face the remainder.
but a sensical, and quite rightly so, momentary lapse of reasoning and judgement left me impaired; changed that night.
insane.
Sep. 18th, 2007
11:26 pm
i don't think you know just how fucked up i was two years ago. how broken and messed in the head i was. how impossibly forgotten and left behind i felt. in retrospect i should never have initiated anything; we should have perhaps stayed friends.
in truth and all honesty, i wasn't supposed to be there. i would have disappeared a while before had i had the guts.
i'm looking for redemption: i made a mistake and i'm looking for forgiveness. and the chance for me to forget how fucking broken i was.
i can recall being on the bus to mississauga, to a friend's apartment (who has since moved) and feeling unbelieveably... tired.
this is the most literal i have ever been on this forum.
snow was falling, and there was that pre-christmastime smell in the air. i have discussed this before. and more often than not, those writings ended with me wanting to go back to that time once more. EVEN THOUGH i was broken.
i have a plan to travel there in december; take the subway to islington, and then the 1C mississauga bus to hurontario road, and then walk to my friend's old apartment building... look and it and then turn around and go home.
i'll do it in secret.
all the while listening to the soundtrack of winter 2005:
- sufjan stevens
- imogen heap
- kanye west (haha)
and. the saddest song i know: "stability" by death cab for cutie. twelve minutes and twenty-one seconds (12:21 [that number/time has so much resonance with me]) of unbearable sadness.
-
an hour. window open and hands poised.
creation and dis-creation: you know the score. people will react in many ways. too literal. too forward. what do they know.
long gone, and it's been gone long. you'll not know.
and forever: i won't mind.
Sep. 17th, 2007
06:09 pm
midstep. cry out to me! hold me free and come over.
"it remains unused," they cried with their arms over their heads and their mouths wide open with disgust and perhaps fright.
peel away any self recognition of what you used to do: nothing that was there remains.
FROM NOW ON THERE IS NO GOING BACK. ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LOOK FORWARD AND THEN GO THAT WAY.
but just give me a chance.
and NO I WILL NOT BOW DOWN TO YOU. just wonder about for a slight second! keep your eyes forward and look backwards constantly! it never changes with you, you malignant monster. perhaps that ringing will tear you apart at night while i'm soundly sleeping.
run your fingers along a low wall. walk amongst ferns (AND WHATNOT).
so much has changed, i'm not sure i'd even recognize myself.
06:01 pm
it used to be thoughtful, perhaps mindful. stood with your bowlerhats and marvelling at whatever was to come tomorrow. so grand, so uproarious, and all the while fiddling with your self esteem. different than what it was, nothing now exists that was there. dilapedation and forgotten beauty. children holding hands while their mothers busy them off the train: and whole new generation continues to grow.
did they ever stop in their surroundings, touch the wall and think about some other unfortunate doing the same thing in a thousand years. assuming that the wall would still be there.
Sep. 13th, 2007
11:46 pm
i'm walking in dreadded streets; playing with regret. splicing it's fingers with disgust and dismay. fearing for my life.
let me check the time: 7:25pm. september 13th. do you realize the moments only just happened less than a month ago?
head shots are difficult to comeby, and are the most affective.
street desire; mass suicide; alone in my alone-ness; smack on the forehead; you're the only one here.
Aug. 30th, 2007
10:53 pm
in cardboard rooms we'll dance and sing. your face is clever and cheery, and my bones are unforgivably weary. if only i was with you, helping you make sense of the timing.
lying on black leather, knees bent backwards, and a crick in my neck. shake my hand; it's stretched out for you.
for ages i spent a year. live over here.
stood on the stage. swung for the moon. counted the leaves against the slowly darkening sky; where did my stomach go?
this is for you. and interpretations are never necessary. a woman with a toad-faced jaw can never say no. her hands feel like sandpaper when the wind blows on her delicate frame. her eyes tend to swallow the sunlight; whole.
and i'm so alone always.
counting his freckles. making love to no one in particular. staring at reminiscent stills, and trying to coax a feeling. callousness. he says all these things at once. he. and a part of where.
10:46 pm
sniveling. side comments. that album still gets me. christmas overhang; the realizations are still the same. i live my life like i want to. but it would still be nice if you were in it.
hung up. hold your hand out through a blow torch flame. lingering after effects. and so forth.
the wherewithal to see it through. now that i have some purpose.
and some mean
ing.
Aug. 17th, 2007
11:49 pm
spiraling. forget my words. and devastation over something that never happened.
"i'm okay. just go."
"all right"
"...are you gone?"
wrenching off the surface.
"show me the place where you were going to jump!"
"i want to go back inside. i want to get down."
and my insides fell apart. melted away into liquid emotion. i crumpled up where i was; and became lesser than i am. completely unable to even comprehend what was going on. and my world folded in on itself.
Aug. 10th, 2007
02:23 pm
against soft upholstery we danced with our opinions. the evening fog, heavyset, folded into our characters and left us weighty. clouds of smoke billowing from your jaw. relaxed conversation filling in our time. little to say about the wonders we've made, though who knows exactly what is going on. tiny lights flicker through the trees, and i move around to quell their brightness. leant backwards and forwards depending on the subject, and you haphazardly, and maybe so, only pucker at the thought of it all. a plate sat there once. wood chips on the ground, gripping our soles so slightly. he did damages to us both, and we connect.
over and over again. and we fucking hate each other. it's in the air between us; words that pretend to flow in and out of sensitivity and connectivity and the like. but we know the truth behind the foretold resemblance, the concocted lies that we ourselves built. masqueraded by strangers for the longest time until once and for all the explosions were written in the stars. a proclamation, just making everyone else shiver, for you can't see what i'm saying. even these letters, strung together, mean nothing to you or i. words are the imaginative thought process that one hopes will connect others with their thoughts. my thoughts are nothing. and yours are too.
01:59 pm
shakes and aches and takes it's time.
posting his views, pretending to be mine.
mind, half empty, like a bottle of wine.
teeth shaped like claws digging a mine.
pierce your being attacking your person while
smiling to your face, hiding his vile
misconceptions. but underneath i can see him dial
his mind is long, stretched like the nile.
*
smug features. get away from me. don't come closer. get back. lets talk about you. and you. not to be trusted. keep away from him, his smiling features hide the truth.
Aug. 8th, 2007
01:00 am
raining super-showers.
coating you in decadence.
far out, and 'cross the way at least.
reach out for a brief touch.
Aug. 4th, 2007
07:24 am
just to stay comfortable. rotary blades all week so far. spinning like an arrow. flooding the air! trying to stay cool; can't.
memories through pictures. with more on the way for real(z).
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